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Pakistan Zindabad !!!

March 21, 2016

Pakistan is taking earth-shaking decisions. Righto. The bold new narrative is awesome! But wait, there is more to be done if you guys want to pit yourself against India like you do about everything. Now how to turn Pakistan into a truly secular, democratic nation that India is (on papers atleast)….


Given the decency with which Pakistan journalists take it upon themselves to make personal remarks on Indian leaders, I guess I have to take up the mantel and do them some real honours. Because all along, we Indians have been indecent enough not to interfere or comment on their political heroes. May be we have to return their favours.

Here is how to make Pakistan a darling of the world so no more the world labels the nation ‘No. 1 Terror country’ in modern history. These following steps are pretty easy to devise and adopt in practice dear Pakistani brethren and sistren …

1. Good, Pakistan has declared Diwali, Holi and Easter as public holidays. Great way to go, with Pope arriving in near future in your soil. But this is not enough. Do as India did in 1980s when Pope arrived in India when Rajiv Gandhi was our prime minister (with Sonia Gandhi by his side). From then to now, India is littered with tens of thousands of catholic missionaries pumping funds in the country and converting rural poor Hindus and tribals. Pakistan has to allow Vatican a similar concession where thousands of preachers and foreign missionaries (note: not mercenaries) can descend in Islamabad for a change and initiate the conversion process. No worries you don’t have RSS to stop you, go ahead! Truly Nawaz Shariff, it will be your day! A real feather in your cap!

Please follow @noconversion in Twitter for minute-by-minute exact details.

A record 20% poorest Tamils and a similar percentage in coastal Andhra Pradesh were converted to christianity just about the Tsunami time. Can Pakistan match this record and beat India?

2. Local converted christian Pakistanis can act as commission agents for foreign conversion missionaries. Look at the excellent service rendered by some nice and loyal Indian evangelists. True sons of the soil. Demonizing sorry idolizing Hindu Gods is nothing. I want to see and bask under Pakistani tolerance and patience when conversion agents can shower such a praise on your own Gods. After all you have no RSS in Pakistan! Only Taliban, Al Qaeda, JMM, LeT, IS etc etc. Repeal the blasphemy laws. Does India have them?

Yes you may have a reactionary ‘Gharwapsi’ like us, but leave it to your paid media to take care of by commission (literally) and omission. Indian media suffers from selective amnesia, so can yours.

3. Ah I wonder whether you will nurture a Hindu equivalent of M F Hussain who can paint your prophet the way he did with our goddess. Forget Charlie Hebdo. The honour will be yours, give a try! Intolerant Indians would not have Hussain but Pakistan is different. Indian media like the Scroll, the Hindu will love you! Who knows they may publish your cartoons!!!

4. Love Jihad? We have only heard of Hindu girls kidnapped, raped and married off to muslim men in Pakistan. How about the reverse? How about love jihad committed for a change by Hindu men on muslim women in Pakistan. Justice served that will be! It would be wonderful if scheming Hindu men target muslim girls in Pakistan and marry them turning them into baby-making machines – the way it is done in Kerala and Karnataka coasts by our Indian bhais. Lets call it Amar Prem.

5. Do you have Hindu or Christian equaivalents of Owaisi brothers of Hyderabad, India? You must. Our Owaisi islamic brothers said they would burn entire town down in a day if they wanted to. They are proud not to hail ‘Bharat Mata ki jai.’ They are a voice to be heard when it comes to committing blasphemy when it comes to Hindu faith and gods. Yes, Pakistan, you must have Hindu or christian compatriots who can be your own Owaisis who can argue effectively for minority rights and abuse majority at will, threaten and get away. And for a change how we wish we could borrow your blasphemy laws for India?

6. How about a Hindu Zakir Naik for Pakistan? Converting thousands of muslims into Hindus on stage and propagating with state issued licence his professed faith in ‘land of the pure?’ A man you can give your life for. Get one now!

7. Would you pay for Hindu pilgrims for flight and entire trip to India on annual pilgrimage. You must. We Indians are footing a burgeoning bill running to millions of rupees every year to send our Indian muslims on excursion to Mecca so that they can come back to us be ever faithful and trustworthy. Better start the routine. You can reap dividends in years to come. You bet, the Pakistani tax payers will happily be willing to partake in the national expenses appeasing the minorities.

8. A million Hindu temples were torn down over centuries in India. Every single mosque in India stands over the ruins of a desecrated Hindu temple only and over the bloodied remains of many million Hindus massacred in the process. Please will you return honours to Hindus in Pakistan to raise temples the same way in your soil? For a single masjid demolition, India is still paying a heavy price. Atleast you must leave hindus have their way once with you for the innumerable temples you tear down round the year. Let the Hindus and Christians tear down on record a single place of worship of yours – you can be truly secular nation in no time.

9. The Hindu population in Pakistan was 30% in 1947 and now it is at a world record of 3%. Wow way to go. Just see, in India, muslim population was under 10% in 1947 but it is now nearing 30%. So isn’t it time for Pakistanis to let the minorities grow for a change and shrink the islamic population? Let’s see if that happens. Every pakistani should rejoice as Hindu population in Pakistan rebounds to over 30% as the muslim population drastically falls. Family planning must be adopted by every Pakistani muslim stopping with 1 or 2 kids. Pakistani Hindus must proceed on to reproduce like rats and rabbits.

10. It is time you breed thankless, ungrateful, disloyal Hindus and Christians like we breed thankless and disloyal Indian muslims. Grin and bear – that’s the ultimate test.

11.  Most smugglers, counterfeiters, drug lords, underworld mafia etc in India are muslims. Yet there is so much sympathy for them in the world today especially yours. It is time the criminals of Pakistan share such laurels like your terrorists such as Hafez Sayeed do already. Pakistan criminals if they are minority must be celebrated and cherished. After all they are playing the minority card.

12. You have done a Mumbai, you have done a Pathankot. (Besides a number of Mumbai, Delhi, Ahmedabat etc that is).  Now let us please do a Karachi and a Lahore. Don’t worry General Raheel, we shall send you only the non-state actors!!

13. You must have a press like India and intellectuals like India who work against India. You must have leftists who are pro-terror, anti-national who India would love to invite for our literary festivals.

14. Pakistan has to send us a Hindu Dawood Ibrahim who we can use in India for sponsoring crimes, terror activities and print fake Pakistan currencies. A big boost to your economy. Don’t worry we shall let a local mafia lord’s son marry his daughter in Mumbai Bandra with whole of Bollywood in attendance. Proud criminal samdhis.

15. Now a small matter, yet a raging national issue in a way. How about permitting Pork? Serving pork in restaurants of Islamic republic of Pakistan? Your journalists, especially commies, think-tanks, celebrities everyone must come forward to encourage pork consumption. Observe, celebrate Pork Day! From now on, you will be hailed Porkistan, not Pakistan!

16. Breed a Barkha! India is waiting for the day to greet Pakistani muslim Barkha in our midst, please Pakistan dispatch the bitch sorry Barkha soon! Don’t worry she can marry 2 topnotch Hindu businessmen here and divorce the next morning. Remember: the woman must be FRIGID.

17. Cultivate a Kanhaiya! Indian democracy and secularism are manifest in gems such as Kanhaiya Kumar, the 32 year old PhD candidate from JNU drawing a government stipend of 30,000 bucks p.m., who has gone on to rally anti-national protests swearing to break India to pieces even if he has nothing to show by way of research to this date in the all-important African Studies he specializes in. Media in India is going gaga over the young hero and very soon our Aam Aadmi Party will lap him up and thus Kanhaiya never needs to work and earn his living ever. It is time Pakistan’s LUMS comes up with a local Kanhaiya version. Such young men and women are indeed a nation’s future wealth. It would be an honour to have 32 year young university scholars in Pakistan rallying up and sloganeering about breaking up Pakistan.

18. Cricket matches! What is India-Pakistan equation without cricket. Every Hindu in Pakistan should come out in the streets waving Indian flag, rooting for Indian team. Like a secular, democratic citizen,  every muslim Pakistani has to wave and smile and tolerate and if possible join. Yes, why not. India Zindabad is not exactly Pakistan Murdabad right? What a heartwarming scene that must be.

19. 1965, 1971 and then Kargil again around the millennium. Next time dearies, you will still lose a conventional war with India. But then if you would like to push the nuke button, remember, half of India might be gone but there won’t be a Pakistan on world map. Only dead sea vacuum. May be India will be doing a great service to world community?

None of the 3 wars was initiated by India okay?

Anyway, scope for war is busted now that Nawaz bhai is out with a new narrative – getting Pakistan right n foot, on tracks. So look at the road India has travelled. Try treading our path. Try a Hindu Zakir Naik, try a Hindu Owaisi, try a Hindu Hafez Sayed who will wreck havoc on Pakistan soil with Indian security and strength – so that will be the day Pakistan will emerge out of the dark tunnel towards light. And then finally you will know what it means to be the enigma called India. You will actually come to love India.



20. But please first now let us send you our cine artists, stage artists, playback singers, musicians everyone we can think of. You have to arrange concerts for them and send them back with loads of money! YOUR MONEY! And don’t forget to include Indian cricket players in your PSL. We need the fat Pakistani check in India, yes we do. As a favour, let us open a dozen desi clothes shop in Lahore and Karachi. After all, how many dozens of Lawn shops we have in India? Give us some business bhai?

It’s time perhaps that India and Pakistan switch roles. Let India become a Hindu Rashtra. Pakistan come on, this is your chance at becoming the world’s role model secular democracy, go for it! Pluralism, multi-culturism – you need a taste of it. Majority bashing is awesome awesome awesome!!!

(the list will grow)



From → Dilli Durbar

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