Skip to content

Is Virginity A Big Deal…….

June 2, 2016

Yes it is. I think so. Contrary to what Bollywood pictures or Tamil pictures may portray, chastity is still a big deal in India. Both side grandparents, aunts & uncles, parents and even neighbours and other relatives – have all been mostly (like some 99.9%) virgin without exclusion until marriage. Without exception, so were we from our generation  – including me and my husband. Only one girl in my planet of existence lost her virginity to her lover but ended up marrying a different guy. A moment’s passion that she regrets until today. She confessed to 2 of us  – and it still remains buried deep down my heart – something I failed to share with even my husband. Knowing male Indian mind, I did not want to risk my husband losing his respect for my otherwise lovable, kind, generous, affectionate and wise friend. In her case, I could relax the self-proclaimed code.

Otherwise its very difficult for some of us including me to digest … the idea of not being ‘clean’ until marriage. May be we live in stone age. Because we flirt, because we giggle a little too much people may get wrong ideas perhaps… but one of my girls bit her hubby’s hand on their wedding night in fright. People say, we  married couples are still having healthy bedroom life in our late 40s today because we have exercised restraint so our ‘interest’ peaked at the right time, never too early nor too late. Curiosity plays a vital role in sustaining interests. If that kind of excitement you already found with someone who is not your spouse, no way you can touch a peak with your partner. Well, this is what I can say.

My friends openly tell their daughters that, yes, they have to keep their virginity!!! My son is old enough to understand when I tell him, he needs to stay a virgin for his wife – because that’s how his father was when he married me, his mother. My boy’s friends who are girls come home sometimes in strapless gowns, shortest shorts – that’s how Chennai is these days… it’s girls who drop off my son at home after midnight driving their cars ! Yet… they may touch each other, throw hands over shoulders, hug, have their pillow fights with cushion seats in the couch – but we parents do know the girls are precious virgins…

My boy recently told me how boring (!) Indian girls are (no wonder now that he is in a firangi place) and I told him point blank, only an Indian wife will press the husband’s shirts, polish his shoes, cook his lunch and dinner and even oil his hair and give him a head massage. ‘Show me a gori who will do that to her man.’ Besides Indian girls remain chaste until marriage, I politely reminded him, ‘don’t judge girls by their clothes, looks. Conservatism is not backwardness. If burqa is one extreme, bikini is equally another extreme.’ Liberation and progress need not have to be about the values we cherish most at heart… Whatever is desi need not have to be worse and whatever western need not have to be necessarily good. Why cannot we balance the east and west drawing the best from each of the 2 worlds. We can still remain progressive, rebellious, righteous without compromising on our personal principles and ethics.

Our body is like a temple. We should not open it up to all and sundry. Entry restricted for the truly devoted. Similarly the experience is divine.

In Malaysia, my malay neighbour used to ask me, ‘how can you say you have had just a single man (my husband) only all your life!!!’ For my husband’s chinese friends, he became the butt of jokes for refusing to go for massages or to dance bars. They would tease him endless about being a lifelong ‘one woman man.’ They simply did not believe him when he told them he remained a virgin until he married me!

Recently I was surprised with a massage by my fitness trainer. I was alone that day and found that everyone else had absented. But I persisted on going ahead with training. After a 30 minute workout, my trainer asked me to lie in the floor. I thought he was asking me to do floor exercises – like abs. I was shocked and speechless when he started with his ‘reflexology’ massage that almost lulled me into fitful sleep! It was too late to back out and I thought it would be very rude. May be in their way of life this was casual? He is the only guy to have touched me anywhere after my husband. I shared the info with my friends but could not draw the courage to confide in my hubby! Yeah enjoyed it hahaha. South East Asian guys like thai, filipino are best to have massage with. But I vowed never to be alone with this guy ever again in future. He is over 10 years younger so I had relaxed my guard. Now I am noticing how thin their girls are – and I suspect whether our roly poly desi barrel shape is something these guys actually like !

But seriously when we were newly married – I think during honeymoon, my hubby told me about a couple of his college mates – hostelates – who crossed the line and were seeking pleasure from the red light area. Until now I cannot talk to those guys normally. I developed a mental block against them. They are nice people really but in that young age, learning about them, did something to my mind that dislodging the revulsion I feel for them even now is difficult. I am sure had I been told about their ‘experiences’ after crossing 35 years perhaps, I would have felt different. It would not have mattered to me at all. My husband rues he made a mistake and should have never trusted me with such a sensitive issue. Says I am immature to handle things like that. It is from his hostel he picked up smoking habit that was not easy to kick out. Years of terrible arguments and fights, endless weeping and emotional blackmail – and ofcourse starving him everyway for sometime finally made him quit smoking – after nearly 9 years of marriage. After returning from Malaysia – in 2001, he completely stopped smoking. Even before that, he never dared to smoke in front of me. Only behind my back. I guess, women – be it mother or wife or daughter have the willpower in them to make their men quit smoking. It is entirely possible but you have to turn your heart into stone in the matter and show no mercy.  30s, men start to climb a peak in their libido. Right time to tune them perfect. If we miss this stage, we cannot rein them ever again. Right time also to wean them off their mothers !!! This is the only way I think men may quit smoking. I did it – and so did a friend of mine. My hubby was smoking upto 10 cigarettes per day – and in Malaysia he was hooked to 555 . Imagine quitting over a period of 1 year. From 2001 sep to 2002 sep, he quit it by stages.

What are the things men do that women don’t:

  • Men pee in roadside. Do women do even if we develop weak bladders right after a single delivery?
  • Men smoke, booze for stress relief. Do women do? By women I am referring to average Indian Nari.
  • Men seek prostitutes (why sugarcoat the word with substitute ‘professional sex workers’ – does it make the job any honourable)  for ‘diversion’ (so they say) or for mere adventure sometimes even if there isn’t a necessity. Like for instance if  they go abroad on holiday without family. Would women do that? I learned of a couple of Chennai guys who regularly holiday in Thailand without their families. We know what they are upto.
  • Men – many of them – don’t stay chaste until marriage. Do women dare? (A very small percentage even in India does that. These women are either celebrities or movie stars or such Page 3 material or are from very elite society. Middle-class, never)
  • Promiscuity – thy name is MALE SPECIES.  Wouldn’t twice before sharing their bed with anyone & everyone – without a sense of guilt.

How easy for these men to lose themselves so readily to someone who they are not related to. Shocking. Disconnecting love and lust. I would think they are both inter-related.

To our men who think all this means progressive outlook, my question is, would you marry a woman with a similar attitude towards life. Would you allow your daughter to grow up that way. You guys want dharam patnis. Goes without saying, Indian men take it for granted their brides are chaste. How many men can give such a return gift for their wives on their wedding night. What would be your reaction if on the first night your wife confesses she is not a virgin. Won’t you feel cheated? If you are from the Indian subcontinent, you will by all means.

Its not about mere procreation. Before the first night, we have elaborate puja done right on the nuptial bed seeking divine intervention to bring unto this world, a good soul. This is the significance our ancestors have attached to self-control, discipline and character.

‘Culture’ is not cliche.

My husband’s first overseas job was in KL. His friend was a chinese site engineer whose wife was heavily pregnant. The man wanted company. His wife refused. He rang up a call girl. Right when he was in the bedroom with the professional, the wife developed labour pain and drove herself to maternity clinic and delivered a healthy baby. She called her husband in handphone (cell phone) (as told by him to his colleagues) and he hurried later to see her in hospital. ‘This is biological need, why confuse it with your emotions?’ the man asked my bewildered husband. The couple never divorced but went on to buy a new home and beget 2 more children. Sorry I cannot come to terms with this foreign ‘culture’ even today.

This may be accepted norm in certain societies. Definitely not in mine. Proud to be a Hindu, a born vegetarian, an Indian. What precious creations we are of God who made us so pure in every conceivable way.







Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: